You all probably remember my wife Sarah. She has written a few posts here, but it has been a while since she dropped anything in my lap. Tonight, she handed me this and I laughed so hard I had to share it with you all as well.
The step-by-step guide to fitting in as an E* Church
- Follow gender roles. Women need to stay home with kids, men need to provide. If the reverse needs to happen out of absolute necessity, men can join stay-at-home dad groups. However, there will be no social support for working moms; it is truly horrible to leave the kids to be raised by someone other than their mom during the day. Groups for mothers who already work would take them away from their kids even more.
- Leave your discernment at the door. E* Church has always done a perfect job of everything always in the past, there is no reason to question anything now or ever because E* Church is perfect and collaborates with other perfect churches both nationally and internationally.
- Trust and support leadership 100% all the time. The mostly male staff likes their sheep dumb; anyone who decides to question anything from leadership needs to be put back in their dumb sheep place.
- Please turn off your cell phones and your brains when entering on Sunday morning. Leave logic, scholarship, and reason at home. Keep it to yourself when sermons are recycled and don’t walk out when the senior pastor states from the pulpit that churches do not need more people with theological and biblical studies degrees. Don’t look up Greek and Hebrew words or attempt to understand ancient culture. (We all know the Bible was written for 21st century American Christianity.)
- If you are very successful at your job, do not bring all those successful skills to the church unless you are male. If you are a strong female leader- creative, innovative, and successful at work- keep all these skills at work because unless you fit the cookie-cutter, Kool-Aid drinking woman mold, you will not be wanted or needed. In fact, if you show any assertiveness or logic backed by resources, your argument will not be accepted simply because you are a woman. And the hell with emotion, if you try to be logical and emotional, it just will be simply taken as emotional, and emotions are so ungodly. God clearly looks to unemotional, logical, compartmentalizing males to lead his church.
- Get sucked into the guilt tripping. Just like the Facebook, “I bet none of my friends will share this,” guilt tactics, E* Church offers their own guilt tripping via extremely poorly edited (my second grader could stick to a single verb tense better) Christmas cards and Daylight savings email reminders about how dishonoring it would be to God to miss “our time together.”
- When E* church specifically says, “We are here to support God’s calling in your life,” we don’t actually mean that unless of course you are the cookie-cutter, Kool-Aid drinking, stay-at-home mom. Our God is a small god who fits a very particular mold and has very specific do’s and don’ts. When we say “We want you to ‘dream big,'” we mean, “Please select a dream from one of our pre-assigned boxes.”
A bonus tip from an actual E* Church pastor:
Do not make assumptions or draw conclusions, implying lay women are not allowed to infringe on the pre-set ideology and mess up the E* Church’s reputation in any way. It is hard for a pastor to hear what you are saying when it contradictions the E* Church perfection model (see #2).