A Church Full of Dollars

This week, televangelist and megachurch pastor Creflo Dollar had the audacity to speak with absolute frankness.  Rather than continue with circular, confusing, and self-serving rhetoric loosely supported by decontextualized Scriptures, he laid his beliefs out for all to see in less than 140 characters for both his Twitter and Facebook faithful.  In case you missed it before he took it down, it looked like this.


The backlash from this incident has given me a thought.  What would happen if other Christian celebrities, pastors, and thinkers spoke with such candor.  What if, rather than beating around the bush and softening their language to keep people reading/listening/watching they just said exactly they are thinking?  What would it look like if they were brave enough to book it all down to 140 characters or less?

I think it might look something like this.

**Disclaimer: Beyond this point, there may be language offensive to some people.  Any offensive word/term is used only because the person being parodied actually used the term themselves.**

“Women are the property of their husbands/fathers.  When they dress like sluts, they intentionally advertise what isn’t theirs to sell.”

Douglas Wilson

“I’m a man, I can say whatever I want.  Deal with it you insolent lumberjack dyke.”

Douglas Wilson


“God enjoys killing people.  His pleasure is in pursuing his own glory and he takes glory from his wrath.”

John Piper

“Let’s be honest, my #ChristianHedonism is just #ProsperityGospel filtered through hyper-Calvinism.  More like #ChristianNihilism”

John Piper


“The Gospel is not viable on its own.  It needs manly, complementarian men to protect it.”

John Piper

“I’m going to be honest.  I don’t really like the Jesus of the Gospels.  That guy is a pussy.  That William Wallace II though…”

Mark Driscoll

“You can’t be a truly repentant Christian woman if you don’t give great head!  #blowjobs4Jesus”

Mark Driscoll


“The truth of the #Bible is #inerrant, #timeless.  Unless you mean the #slavery stuff.  That’s different.”

Timothy Keller


“Women really need to shut up so they can realize I’m just trying to keep them from saying stupid things like ‘context matters in the Bible’.”

John MacArthur

“#Dragons were real, Beowulf says so.  So we should take every reference to #Dragons in the #Bible as 100% hyper-literal truth.”

Ken Ham

“Circular logic is not a fallacy because if it is the Bible isn’t inerrant and the Bible says it’s inerrant so it can’t be a logical fallacy.”

Kevin DeYoung


“The text without context is #complementarianism”

Don Carson

“The Jews are responsible for the holocaust. Do I really have to explain myself? This isn’t brain surgery!”

Ben Carson


“Seriously, the only way to stop gay marriage is to start killing people.  #BreakStuff #itsmywayorthehighway”

Josh Feuerstein

“Since when do kids make good choices?  That’s why I’m allowing my son to brandish loaded firearms!”

Josh Feuerstein


“God didn’t make us self-defining creatures or autonomous moral agents, that’s why being gay is a choice. #Bible #Inerrancy”

Albert Mohler

“Complementarianism is functionally ineffective at creating biblical marriages, but is theologically necessary because… gay people.”

Russell Moore


Do these positions strike you as Christ-like or loving?  I leave it to the reader to discern if I have offered a fair representation and, more importantly, if these ideas are one’s they actually believe and support.

*Cover image from https://brokentoblended.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/honesty.jpg*

4 thoughts on “A Church Full of Dollars

  1. Josh Feuerstein lives in my area. That he waves a weapon of death around while driving around makes me nervous. That he hands a gun to his child scares me to death. That’s an accident waiting to happen.


    1. I know! Even if one thinks guns are the biblical way to raise your child (I’d love to read the supporting verses he’s never provided) I would think gun safety training would also be part of that. Probably doesn’t have the same dramatic flare though.

      Thanks for reading, commenting!


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